See this fish? It wants to kill you. You and everyone you love.

This is the Giant Snakehead – a fish with a nasty gleam in it’s cold fishy eyes and the intent to leap at your throat. Sure, it looks mean, not like those friendly tuna or dolphins you find in cans at the grocery store but really, what’s there to worry about? Well for starters, LOOK AT THE TEETH! As if a Clint Eastwood glint wasn’t enough in a fish, these teeth belong to a dinosaur, not a fish. But wait, it gets better. These things can stroll out of the water and mosey around for up to four days. AND THEY EAT PEOPLE! Or at least, someone said they eat people and I read it on the internet so it must be true.

It gets worse though. These fish are normally found in and around Asia. Recently a specimen was caught in Leeds England though. LEEDS! Do you know what this means, to catch an air breathing, walking, man eating fish several thousand miles away from it’s normal habitat? No? Well lets go to the map:


I’ve added in a few custom graphics here to make this a bit clearer. See that bloody red circle in the lower right? That’s where old Clint normally spawns, lives, eats it’s share of humans and dies. Now look at the red speckled trail of blood leading across several countries, through France, across the channel and to England (highlighted by a red circle I turned into a sun in a fit of creative energy)! The red dots symbolize outbreaks of fear and paranoia, or possibly nice restaurants . It must have been a bloodbath! Why hasn’t CNN or FOX picked up on this trail of fishy carnage?

The Sun ran a report yesterday of this find with the catchy headline Psycho predator is Sid Fishious. Apparently there was widespread panic among anglers and conservationists. An unnamed agency known only as the Environment Agency was quoted as saying “Oh s***”. They’ve been practicing pronouncing several asterisks lined up for years now and finally got a chance to use it.

Andy, the dude who caught the fish, went on record as saying ” It had a gob full of razor-sharp teeth. To be honest it looked terrifying.” Off record he probably said something like “I plan on frying it up with some butter and mushy peas.”

These fish can grow up to 3 feet long, weigh in at as much as 44lbs., enjoy swimming in warm water, moonlit strolls on the beach and devouring babies stolen from their cribs in the dead of night. England – beware!

-Ben for ArsGeek insights